I guess for myself I have always had the feeling of not being able to fit in. Not because I was anti-social. But because I did not feel like the friends I had made were concentrating on matters of importance.
I always preferred reality and things that were true over everything else ie documentary’s even from a relatively early age. I look at money and I see paper, although I still understand the importance of it in society.
I did not understand why people put this above everything else.
I always had thoughts of suicide, low self-worth and look at the world with dismay mainly through the bombardment of media and television. The pessimism reigned supreme in my life, Combined with this and a poor background in a rich town near London.
I could not take anything seriously within school, I could not see the importance of subjects that I had no interest in, I did not like being told what I should and should not be learning.
I failed the majority of my grades. I was the classic underachiever. I went to college afterwards and my mood deepened even further in depression. I decided that I wanted to join the forces for a number of reasons.
- To bring World peace.
- To escape my current home Life.
- To have my my own independence.
I was extremely brainwashed at this point and so I enlisted in February 2009. The Army made me stronger, confident my body appearance and outlook improved. I was popular among my peers in the Army.
I felt and been told that I had natural leadership ability. But I soon realized that their intention was to merely develop these traits and then own them. Own everything about you, what you should be thinking, eating, doing, buying etc.
The training was repetitive. Nobody noticed this, almost as if they had already forgotten what they learnt and they were expected to forget it.
My job was fairly trivial and very repetitive, surely there was more than this? I continued throughout my career I had ups and downs and in my early stages of my career I had been in a lot of trouble fighting in the local towns.
I was arrested and charged with ABH in 2011.
I had a somewhat bad reputation. I was very outgoing and on the outside seemed very confident. I was borderline arrogant according to my superiors. I always felt able to see things. Things that were not right.
Occurrences that me look at the bigger picture and go into deep analytic thought. I signed off in July 2013.
I felt undervalued, misused and treated with negligence. Eventually I began literally questioning actions of superiors whilst trying to positively influence those around me who seemed discomforted.
I was frowned upon for this as my personality and leadership ability was seen as threat. My moral judgement was one of my own, rather than what I was told was right or wrong. This all came to a head.
Towards the end of 2013 I had an adjustment disorder due to bullying from within the Army. They had lied to me many times and passed me off as a “cancerous toxic disease”.
I felt so disheartened and I took their words for truth. I believed authority. Nobody wished to listen to myself and I felt en caged and alone.
I wanted to die. But it wasn’t I who wanted to die it was me egoic consciousness. I took handful of pills and said “I accept that I could die”. From that moment my ego died. Because the fear of death was the only thing it could cling onto.
That the ego through society had been taught to believe that there was such a thing as death. Of course our bodies die. But our souls go on for eternity. For mine it has walked with the dinosaurs.
Then began ‘The awakening’ or the self-realisation. After a few weeks I began reflect to question everything that had led up to me being treated this way. My entire life from my perspective was re-evaluated.
I have become very sceptical and analysing towards anything people tell me or try to put across to me as well as myself. I started feeling very sensitive and empathetic towards others. I could almost put myself in another person’s shoes and read their thought patterns.
The dots began to connect. My thought pattern became eidetic and free flowing. Introverted and extroverted thinking have intertwined. I’m open minded to everything.
I looked internally for answers rather than the opinions or thoughts or others that usually led me to the complete wrong answers.
I have a feeling of oneness and a connection to all living things. Plants, animals and people around the entire planet, those who despise no longer anger me, I feel pity for them, as they have lost the way. I began to admire everything in its form. We are one, we are one living organism.
I have unconditional love for everything and everybody encounter throughout my life and have no preconceived ideas based on past or appearance.
Every part of my bitter, cynical old self evaporated and I became free. Free from others opinion, my mind and my body. I was so much more. Through reflection I’ve been able to find a spiritual depth.
The symptoms of bipolar and add are so apparent in myself. But it’s through my will and determination of the ego and understanding social conditioning that I’m able to understand and control these ideas that could be deemed “crazy”.
My social paradigms and relationships with have broken down, but in other areas increased where people remain open minded (which are few and far between)
This paradigm shift has made me more passionate I wish to help those who feel lost or who are isolated in the games of society. I wish to go back into education and study some form of counselling so I can give back on a larger scale.
Whilst still understanding the need to self-sustain in this broken society. Nothing will bring me down or break me. Happiness, sarcasm (on trivial matters), love and enlightenment reigns supreme.
I no longer fear anything, my life and my freedom can be taken. But not my soul. 22 years of false identity.
21/12/14 – Since this previous writing I have been introduced into native medicine. Through the power of my own manifestation. I’ve now developed a 6th sense for detecting evil entities that inhibit the mind. I have removed such entities from friends who seek the help of the healer. I speak multiple languages none of which I know from education (They seem shamanic and celtic, possibly).
I’m an empath who can sense the deep emotional and physical suffering in others. I absorb this into my being and release it for them. People are subconsciously drawn to me for I’m the fully healed soul. I’m a supernatural healer. On this planet to serve a purpose in healing the planet. My Angels send signs on regular basis to let me know I’m guided safety. Spiritual animals and Greek Gods have now been embraced into my life. The prayers and visions that I see and make unfold into reality. With such force that I’m literally changing the world.
Thanks for reading ☺
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